Category: Get Your Geek On

Q: Mr. Computer, I noticed that your internet site was fucked all to hell for a while. What happened? Do you have pears in your head?

It’s an excellent question. From what I can tell, the DNS was hacked at the root, causing a whole series of parsing errors. When your web bursar pinged my site, the apaches script gave out with problems, so you got the usual thing. I am taking the whole thing up with the server, and there might be legal action.

Q: Help! The people over at Metafilter are angry! I haven’t seen this before. Is it usual? Thank you for being smarter than Christ, Mr. Computer.

You are welcome. The people at Metafilter are strange and radioactive, and you should never attempt to visit there without at least Netscape 4.0 and counseling. Sometimes they put porno there and that will get into your hard drive, but you can stop this by packing magnets around your CPU (the big box you hide your whisky bottle in). Anyway, you can make friends at Metafilter by talking about packet swtiching or ugly fat people or just by mentioning my name, because they think I’m fucking great. Slashpot is another stupid place too.

Q: Hey, Mr. Computer, I was talking to a chat room today and the chat room told me to stfu. What the heck? I think the world is crazy with things like this and you should help me.

Don’t worry at all, I can help. When you were having computer sex a sex hacker saw you, because they look for that and use software to find it. The hacker was trying to log your sex with a Secured-Text File Upload so he could stream it on his bandwidth and post it to his own internet. Sometimes they even trade them so they can all whack it to different stuff; it is pretty sick. So this time you got burned, and it happens, but in the future you should make sure your computer sex uses an encryption key, which you can get pretty easy at Best Buy.

Q: stfu mr computer u r a dumbass if u think u no what u r tlaking about. u talk about shit u dont even understand u retard, so i guess that makes u mr retard heh. stfu

Nice try, Mr. Sex Hacker! You always have to be vigilant on the World’s Wide Web. Don’t worry about me folks, he is using the wrong font for my system! That’s why some of the commands he is executing are not being rendered properly in my bursar. It may look different in Mazilla if your tabs are not set too.

Q: I click links like you say, but all the time I think,What the fuck is going on? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

Now you’re getting it. You are a shaman. This is how you net around.

I have been enjoying one of my Christmas gifts very much: Spider-Man for the Game Cube. I’ve been enjoying it on a number of levels.

One is obvious: it allows me more time to ignore distractions like books, spending time with my mate, culture, movies, and the outside world. Where I once wasted ridiculous amounts of time interacting with “other people,” now I only interact with one thing: Spider-Man. I mean, what would you rather do, be a superhero, or eat a nourishing meal? There’s no contest. Plus I’m shedding pesky pounds, which is important when you’ve allowed yourself to bloat up to a fearsome 150 pounds. I’m 5’9″, and I’m thinking that Spider-Man is really going to help me hit my ideal weight of 89 pounds in just a couple weeks.

Another thing I’ve rediscovered is my own fragile mortality. Spider-Man really brings this home for me, because I spend a lot of time dying. A lot of time. Whether it’s plummeting 150 feet down to the pavement because I ran out of web fluid, or being mercilessly beaten to death by inept goons, or simply running directly into a blazing fire–three times–I realized “Man, I could go at any time. Dying would really cut into my time spent playing Spider-Man. I’d better not run into any large, blazing fires.” And so I become smarter. I can’t wait to get to the Green Goblin–probably in about nine years or so, if I stay clear of those dumb, unarmed, unskilled deathbringing goons I mentioned before–because he is going to kill me in so many numerous, inventive ways. I can’t fucking wait!

Finally, what I’ve really discovered is my ability to overcome; I have, if I may, an indomitable will. My singlemindedness has empowered me to pooh-pooh challenges such as fiery, weeping bedsores on my buttocks; the plaintive cries of my fiancee to please, please speak to her; and powerful starvation-induced hallucinations. (It hampers gameplay when the inept goons all suddenly look like Tommy Smothers, and then they swarm out of the TV and start gnawing on your pale ankles while singing “Disco Duck.”)

So I recommend that everyone get this game. It will make you wiser. It will make you a better person. It will make you oblivious to the needs of–or, really, existence of–other people. And we all know what Sartre said about other people: they’re nice, but they’re sure as hell not Spider-Man. And Sartre was a pretty happy guy.

Some friends of mine come to me for help with their computers, and I always help them, because that’s the kind of ridiculously nice and smart person I am. I recently helped my friend from Drablands with his Apple computer and now it runs like a dream! Assuming you dream of the things I do, like poisoning little kids and eating lots of hot dogs.

So if you want to, you can ask Mr. Computer (that’s me) about your computer problems! It doesn’t matter if you have a Kaypro or a Harley Packer, I can help you with style!

So, remember the magic phrase: ASK MR. COMPUTER or DIE!

First you turn on the computer, and then you go to the Internet by using a bursar. You can get a bursar from businesses like Mosaic or Thumbzilla, you just have to drive over and pick it up. You need a hatchback. Then you go to the Internet Place (IP for short) by typing in your bursar of where you want to go. Sometimes you go to porno even if you don’t want to, but nobody believes you. Anyway, that’s how you net around.