Get Your Geek On

Spider-Man Can and Should Be Your Life

I have been enjoying one of my Christmas gifts very much: Spider-Man for the Game Cube. I’ve been enjoying it on a number of levels.

One is obvious: it allows me more time to ignore distractions like books, spending time with my mate, culture, movies, and the outside world. Where I once wasted ridiculous amounts of time interacting with “other people,” now I only interact with one thing: Spider-Man. I mean, what would you rather do, be a superhero, or eat a nourishing meal? There’s no contest. Plus I’m shedding pesky pounds, which is important when you’ve allowed yourself to bloat up to a fearsome 150 pounds. I’m 5’9″, and I’m thinking that Spider-Man is really going to help me hit my ideal weight of 89 pounds in just a couple weeks.

Another thing I’ve rediscovered is my own fragile mortality. Spider-Man really brings this home for me, because I spend a lot of time dying. A lot of time. Whether it’s plummeting 150 feet down to the pavement because I ran out of web fluid, or being mercilessly beaten to death by inept goons, or simply running directly into a blazing fire–three times–I realized “Man, I could go at any time. Dying would really cut into my time spent playing Spider-Man. I’d better not run into any large, blazing fires.” And so I become smarter. I can’t wait to get to the Green Goblin–probably in about nine years or so, if I stay clear of those dumb, unarmed, unskilled deathbringing goons I mentioned before–because he is going to kill me in so many numerous, inventive ways. I can’t fucking wait!

Finally, what I’ve really discovered is my ability to overcome; I have, if I may, an indomitable will. My singlemindedness has empowered me to pooh-pooh challenges such as fiery, weeping bedsores on my buttocks; the plaintive cries of my fiancee to please, please speak to her; and powerful starvation-induced hallucinations. (It hampers gameplay when the inept goons all suddenly look like Tommy Smothers, and then they swarm out of the TV and start gnawing on your pale ankles while singing “Disco Duck.”)

So I recommend that everyone get this game. It will make you wiser. It will make you a better person. It will make you oblivious to the needs of–or, really, existence of–other people. And we all know what Sartre said about other people: they’re nice, but they’re sure as hell not Spider-Man. And Sartre was a pretty happy guy.